• We have left the Rape vexation. It no longer gets likes.
• We have gone on to hammer nails into children’s heads.
• One of us stripped and wrote a tribute to her own motherly nakedness…in celebration of our son’s 7th birthday.
She said if he sees her naked on the roadside he should not walk past.
Apparently she plans a future of lying naked along on roadsides.
• We have poured hot water on a child; raped a 4 year old; abandoned at least 2 toddlers at street corners and shops.
• We are talking about HushMagu, Hushpuppy, HushDaddy, HushFreeze et al.
• Denrele and Bobrisky are trying too hard to trend. Nobody has strength for that particular strain of lunacy they operate.
• Our children will not be writing WAEC exams.
• We have done over 50% of 2020. We still don’t know what this year is about.
• Edo State has gone full Nollywood.
• One of our sons, Chidera went into his mother’s kitchen and poured her pepper all over the floor. Flour, soup, stew, elubo, okpa, rice…Chidera throway everything.
Some of the neighbours say he has started mixing colorado and tramadol, but Chidera says he did horror because he has two fathers and he hates everyone.
Some people are saying he should be deported to Nigeria to get home training from MC Oluomo or Shekau. They say 17 year old boys don’t talk back to parents in Nigeria. They just snatch phones, rape girls and smoke igbo. This is better.
• Also we have stopped that criminality of answering “Mrs So-and-So”.
Children now bear their mother’s names only. No more male names. Feminism Naija won this landmark victory for us in the supreme court of Twitter.
*Jada Pinkett has been giving August Alsina after school lessons. We asked Will Smith to direct us. He did eyes right.
• Also, just so we are reminded:
Rape is old.
We have moved on.